Jim Ross: Welcome to the Royal Rumble; Action Hero Edition! It’s friend vs friend. Foe vs foe. EVERY man for himself.
Jerry Lawler: Oh boy! I can’t wait!
Jim Ross: Every 90 seconds another Action Hero will enter the ring. You can only be eliminated by going over the top rope and having both feet touch the floor. Remember, this is the Action Hero Royal Rumble. No aliens, super powers, cyborgs or firearms just Action Heroes that sweat sweat and bleed blood.
Jerry Lawler: It’s about to start! Get your popcorn ready!
The crowd goes silent.
The lights go black.
The tension is palpable.
“What? Well fuck you… bitch
Bounce wit me, wit me, wit me wit me
Can you bounce wit me, bounce wit me, wit me wit me
Can you bounce wit me, bounce wit me, ge-gi-gi-gi-gi-gi
Can you bounce wit me, bounce wit me, ye-ye-yeah”
Jay Z’s “Can I Get A…” music video starts playing on the titantron. The crowd goes crazy. Detective James Carter from Rush Hour sprints from the back.
Jim Ross: MY GOD! MY GOD! It’s detective James Carter! He talks more than a 2-bit gangster trying cut a deal with the FBI.
Carter struts down the ramp at his most cocky. He takes the mic and cuts an all time great promo. He welcomes the crowd to the “United States of James Carter”. It’s vintage Carter. Full of Michael Jackson impressions, yo’ momma jokes and proclamations of being the baddest man on the planet. In the middle his epic promo he’s interrupted by a loud – GONG!
Jim Ross: It’s LEE! IT’S LEE!
Lee from Enter the Dragon emerges from backstage.
Jerry Lawler: This guy’s little! He’s too little! Carter’s gonna toss him!
Carter stands in the ring taunting Lee to enter. Lee takes his time. Confidently and methodically striding down the ramp. Carter keeps talking trash. Lee is unfazed. He never breaks eye contact with Carter.
Jim Ross: I don’t know how wise it is to taunt Lee. You don’t want to wake the dragon.
Jerry Lawler: The dragon? Try the salamander!
Lee enters the ring. The two men stand face to face. Carter screams, “let’s go!” Lee get’s into position and puts on a demo. Sparring with nothing but the air, his flash quickness and whip strength on full display. A look of absolute terror washes over Carter’s face. He drops to the canvas and rolls out of the ring. Pointing and still talking trash, “I knew a guy Lee once, he could kick yo’ ass”, Carter makes his way to the announce table. Lee leans against the ropes and laughs. Amused by Carter’s cowardice.
Jim Ross: What are you doing here? You should be in the ring.
Carter: Shut your mouth. Your breath is kickin’ more than that guy in the ring right now. I got a strategy. STRA-TE-GY. You ever hear of that? It’s about brains. If you don’t know, that’s the thing three feet above your ass.
Jerry Lawler: Yeah JR. The thing about three feet above your ass.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Fireworks explode from the right under the titantron.
John Rambo emerges and gets a HUGE pop from the crowd. It looks like he’s just spent the last six hours in a sauna because he’d dripping sweat. Bare chested and muscles glistening. He has a face that says, “Don’t fuck with me.” He makes a b-line to the ring and slides in. There’s no stare down. No feeling each other out. Rambo and Lee get right into it.
Jim Ross: Now this is action! Both these competitors are beating the snot out of each other.
Carter: Let me tell you something, this guy Rambo is so stupid when you stand next to him you hear the ocean.
Lawler: You hear that JR? The ocean! (laughs)
Rambo and Lee are putting on a classic big guy/little guy display. Rambo throws Lee around, but Lee always seems to lands on his feet. Lee hits Rambo with a 3 or 4 hit combo, but Rambo just absorbs it. The crowd can’t get enough of it, but the clock starts ticking down. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1….
JR: By god! It’s Chris Vaughn from Walking Tall and he’s got 2×4 in hand.
Vaughn darts to the ring and starts delivering dat wood. He gives Rambo a shot to the ribs. Lee a shot to the back.
JR: OH MY GOD! He’s handing out ass whoopins by the way of wood.
Crowd: 3. 2. 1….
Wiz Khalfia’s “See You Again” starting blaring thru the stadium. Dom Toretto from Fast and Furious rolls into the arena in a Nissan Skyline GT-R R34 with Brian O’Connor’s face airbrushed on the hood reminiscent of Rey Mysterio’s Eddie Guerrero tribute in the ‘06 Rumble. Expect it’s not Brian O’Connor’s face, because Brian O’Connor is still alive and well. It’s actually Paul Walker, because, for this one moment, FUCK KAYFABE.
JR: Here comes Toretto with a touching tribute to his fallen friend.
Toretto rolls his way to the ring and exits his car. His neck rolls as fat as ever. His sleeveless arms quintessentially sleeveless. He enters the ring and stares down Vaughn. As they are mid stare down. Lee attacks Dom from the back. Rambo attacks Vaughn from the back. Each are put in the corner by their respective attacker and are getting absolutely worked.
“It’s Christmas time in Hollis Queens mom’s cooking chicken and collard greens…”, plays over the sound system.
Carter: Did someone say “COLLARD GREENS!”
JR: Oh. No. No. No. It’s none other than…. John Mclane.
John Mclane from Die Hard strolls down the ramp smoking a cigarette. Barefoot, because – ya’ know – that’s his thing. He’s cooler than a toilet sit in December.
Carter: What kind of white boy enters to Run DMC wearing no shoes. You white people are crazy.
Mclane puts out his cigarette and joins Lee in the corner as they mutually stomp out Toretto. Mclane and Lee then bring Toretto to his feet and toss him out of the ring. At the same time, Rambo whips Vaughn up and over the top rope.
Dom Toretto and Chris Vaughn eliminated.
Rambo, Mclane and Lee take a second. Look at each other. Shoulder shrug. And start beating on each other.
JR: And here comes #7….
….It’s Chev Chelios from Crank and it looks like he’s done enough crystal meth to kill a small donkey!
Chelios goes berserk. He tosses Rambo in the corner. He tosses Lee in the corner. He tosses Mclane in the corner. Chelios, standing in the middle of the ring, goes on a complete spot-fest. Flying ninja kick to Rambo. Flying ninja kick to Lee. Flying ninja kick Mclane.
Carter: Damn this white boy is crazy. Why the hell did I join this thing?
Chelios turns his back on the three fallen action heros and yells to the sky. His hands in fists. His arms spread. Veins from his neck to his ankles bulging from his skin. He turns around and – BANG! Lee hit’s him with a punch to the chest that sends Chelios into the turnbuckle almost unconscious. But before Lee can react, Rambo and Mclane grab Lee and Irish-whip him over the ropes. Lee takes off and, miraculously, lands on the announce table. Never touching the ground.
Carter: Holy Shit! This Chinese boy could fly.
At that moment, Lee kicks Carter in the face and handsprings back to the apron of the ring.
JR: Oh my god! In all my life, I’ve never seen anything like that.
Lawler: I can’t believe it JR. I just can’t believe it.
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
JR: We got our next entrant in; 3. 2. 1…
Snake from Escape From New York comes out and immediately joins the fray. Lee, Rambo, Mclane and Snake each start going to work on each other. Chelios finally come to his senses. Realizing his adrenaline has cratered and it’s only a matter of time before his heart explodes, he crawls out of the ring, finds Amy Smart (or whatever her name in Crank is) and the two start going to town.
JR: Good god! You can’t do that on TV!!
Carter: Damn, she fine.
“My Time is Now” hits the titantron.
John Triton from The Marine swaggers his way to the ring and is immediately eliminated by Rambo. Because, you still have a long way to go before I accept you as real action star, John Cena.
John Triton eliminated
Chelios finishes up with Amy Smart and makes his way back into the ring. Only to, also, be instantly eliminated by Rambo.
Chev Chelios eliminated.
The crowd loses it’s mind when they hear Inner Circle’s “Bad Boys” blast through the stadium’s speaker system. Detective Mike Lowrey makes his way down the ramp accompanied by his valet Detective Marcus Burnett.
Carter: Finally, some more brothers.
Lowery slides into the ring and joins the brawl. Rambo is trading rights with Mclane. Snake trading blows with Lee. Lowery bounces between the two scuffles trading shots with anyone and everyone. Burnett coaches and cheers him from the floor.
JR: Don’t you think it’s about time you get in there and mix it up. Or are you just yeller?
Carter: I told once. I’ll tell you again. It’s called STRA-TA-GY.
Lawler: Yeah, stratagy JR. Don’t you know anything about that?
JR: Well, that strategy didn’t pay off all that well when you got kicked in the face by Lee just a minute ago.
Carter: Hey man. Did I survive? Am I alive? You gotta survive to be alive. I’m in a better spot than Chelios or Toretto. Ain’t I?
Roadhouse Blues hits.
James Dalton from Roadhouse sprints to the ring. He wastes no time. He get’s right into the middle of it. Trading shots with everyone.
Crowd: 3. 2. 1…
JR: It’s Johnny Utah! Johnny Utah from Point Break is in the rumble!
Johnny Utah runs down the ramp. Accompanied by his partner Agent Angelo Pappas, who is holding two meatball sandwiches. One in each hand. Utah slides in the ring and get immediately into a stare down with James Dalton. For some reason Utah screams, “I. AM. A. F.B.I. Agent!” Dalton is unfazed and the two start going at it.
JR: This is a real slobberknocker! And this ring is getting full fast.
We cut to the announce table. Carter, for some reason, is eating curly fries and drinking a large soda.
“Are you not entertained? / Are you not entertained? / Is this not why you’re here?”
Beat drops and Jay Z’s “What More Can I Say” starts blaring. It’s Maximus from Gladiator.
He makes his way thru the crowd (ala the Shield) cheered on by tens of thousands of fans. He’s stoic. Ready to fuck shit up. He enters the ring and quickly tosses Dalton out of the ring. Then Utah. Maximus roars to the crowd. And the crowd roars back.
In a fit of shock, still with meatball sandwiches in hand, Agent Pappas jumps in the ring to avenge Utah, but is instantly clotheslined right back over the top rope by Maximus.
James Dalton and Johnny Utah eliminated.
While outside the ring, Dalton rips Pappas’s neck out. Very uncalled for, but the crowd eats that shit up!
Lawler: Wow! Did you see that? Maximus might be unstoppable.
Carter: You talkin’ bout Maximus? That guy just ripped that other guy’s throat out!! What the hell kinda shit was that!
JR: And here comes # 14…
… John Cale from White House Down! John Cale is in the building.”
But, before Cale could even get halfway down the ramp, OUT OF NOWHERE…..
JR: IT’S MIKE BANNING FROM OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN! IT’S MIKE BANNING FROM OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN!
The two get into an all out brawl on the ramp before taking their squirmish backstage.
John Cale eliminated.
The fighting in the ring continues. No one specific grabbing the upper hand.
Out comes Frank Dux from Bloodsport. Dux is ready to rumble. Promptly laying waste to most of the participants in the ring until Lee and Dux stand toe to toe. Dux and Lee put on an absolute clinic of technical skill, only to be interrupted Rambo and Mclane. Carter, still at the announce table, yells something at Detective Burnett – who is still ringside. Burnett and Carter get into each other’s faces, competing in a match of dueling smack talk. Lowery makes his way to the ropes to see what’s causing the commotion. Lowery starts yelling at Burnett to calm down. Distracted, Lowery is flipped over the top rope by Maximus and Snake.
Mike Lowery eliminated.
In a big floppy chef’s hat Casey Ryback streaks down the ramp. He enters the ring and takes a kick right to the face.
JR: Whatta hellacious kick from Dux!
Lawler: He’s gonna be seeing cartoon birdies after that one.
While Dux stands over Ryback, admiring his work, Snake, from behind, eye gauges Dux. Temporarily blinding him.
P.A System: “I have a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. Good Luck.”
The crowd loses its shit.
Bryan Mills from Taken struts out from back stage. All the Action heroes in the ring are frozen as Mills make his way to the ring. Mills wastes no time – he takes a blinded Dux and puts him right over the ropes, because no matter how good Dux is, he’s not winning this thing blind. Mills, then, grabs Snake and throws him out of the ring. Extremely efficient in all his movements, he then takes Maximus and hurls him over the top rope.
Frank Dux, Snake and Maximus eliminated.
Lawler: He’s unstoppable!
Mills, on a roll, grabs Mclane, but Mclane delivers a low blow, momentarily, neutralizing Mills
Mclane: “Welcome to the party, pal.”
The Mission Impossible theme hits and Ethan Hunt lowers down into the middle of the ring suspended only by a wire. The action stars look at each other, shrug and start beating the everliving crap out of him.
JR: Good God almighty! He’s a human pinata!
Rambo eventually rips Hunt down and military presses him over the top rope.
Ethan Hunt eliminated.
Huge explosions from under the titantron rock the stadium…
… and, none other than, John Creasy from Man on Fire emerges. Totally unfazed by the explosions behind him he makes his way to the ring in slow motion. Creasy and Mills go right at it. Move for move. Fighting each other effectively to a stalemate when Ryback, unwisely, tries to attack both of them. Creasy and Mills grab Ryback by his fancy white chef jacket and heave him over the top rope.
Casey Ryback eliminated.
Crowd: 3. 2. 1…
JR: Oh my. Oh my. I don’t think there will be a prettier entrant in the Rumble this year. Here comes The Bride from Kill Bill!
Carter: Damn! She’s so finger licking good she could put KFC outta business.
The Bride enters the ring. All the superstars are taken aback, not sure whether to deal her haymakers or to play nice. She just looks at them. Smiles. And starts delivering ass kickings. All of a sudden this rumble has become very bloody. Blood stains the ring. Blood stains the ropes. Blood stains everything.
JR: My god! It’s bloodier than a slaughterhouse on a Tuesday!
Carter: This chick is crazy!
At 21, Dirty Harry Callahan enters the rumble. Without his trademark .44 magnum, he’s effectively useless, but hangs in for a while.
Dillon from Predator sprints down the ramp. He’s all biceps and it’s glorious. Each action star steps to him and he runs thru them all. Shoulder tackle after shoulder tackle. He’s looking great.
It’s Dutch from Predator and he’s glistening. Between him and Dillion they must have enough baby oil to cover a family of small elephants because the amount of bicep and shine coming from these two is UNREAL. Dutch and Dillon work together to clear the ring. Dutch takes Dirty Harry and puts him over the top rope. Dillon grabs The Bride and hurls her out of the ring. They double clothesline Mclane to his elimination. Dillon tosses Mills. Dutch tosses Creasy. The two absolutely run roughshod over everyone.
Dirty Harry, The Bride, John Mclane, Bryan Mills and John Creasy eliminated.
With Rambo and Lee the only survivors left, but badly beaten, Dutch and Dillon turn their sights on who’s about to enter next.
Crowd: 3. 2. 1…
JR: It’s Castor Troy! Face/off’s Castor Troy is here!
Lawler: No. No. No. I think it’s Sean Archer.
JR: Who is it? Is it Castor or Archer?
As Castor Troy(or maybe Sean Archer) makes his way down the ramp another man makes his way thru the crowd..
Lawler: Wait! Wait! Who’s that? Is that Castor Troy?
JR: Oh my god! In all my years, I’ve never seen anything like this. I don’t know which one’s Castor Troy and which one’s Sean Archer.
Castor Troy (or maybe Sean Archer) and Sean Archer (or maybe Castor Troy) each enter the ring and have a … wait for it… a… Face/Off! As the two stare each other down. Dutch grabs Castor Troy (or maybe Sean Archer) while Dillon grabs Sean Archer (or maybe Castor Troy) and each get tossed out of the ring.
Castor Troy (or maybe Sean Archer) and/or Sean Archer (or maybe Castor Troy) eliminated.
In a fit a pure bro exactly they grasp hands and FLEX! Right at this moment, Carter sneaks into the ring and attempts to eliminate both Dutch and Dillon while they are lost in each other’s
eyes biceps. This backfires terribly as they double chokeslam Carter right out of the ring.
James Carter eliminated.
The lights cut out. Music hits. And it’s loud. Defening. Explosions rock the stadium. In an entrance that would put any Triple H Wrestlemania entrance to shame, Mad Max (Tom Hardy version) emerges. He’s strapped to the front of a truck wearing his trademark facemask. Once he get’s ringside a cabal of beautiful women unstrap him.
JR: IT’S MAX! IT’S MAX!
Mad Max get’s into the ring and instantly goes after Dillon and Dutch. Rambo and Lee take this as an opportunity to equalize the Dillion/Dutch alliance and begin to start beating on them as well. Dutch and Dillion, now on the wrong side of a 3 vs 2, start getting worn down.
Crowd: This-is-Awe-some! This-is-Awe-some! This-is-Awe-some!
Martin Riggs from Lethal Weapon darts down the ramp. His hair is perfect, by the way. Riggs dives in the ring and grabs Max. Beating him mercilessly and then throws him out of the ring. In a fit a pure adrenaline, Riggs runs, jumps and suicide dives over the ropes taking out an already eliminated Max and continues beating Max.
JR: By God! Riggs just eliminated himself! That crazy sonuvabitch. I can’t believe.
Lawler: He’s still taking it to Max. He’s a madman.
Mad Max and Martin Riggs eliminated.
JR: Next up is #27, the spot that has produced the most winners in Rumble history. Who will it be….
The most iconic theme song of them all hit.
JR: It’s Indy! It’s Indy! Indiana Jones is in the Rumble!
Indy dons his iconic brown fedora. His iconic whip is in his left hand. The iconic smirk on his face. Iconic is the only word to describe his entrance, really. He’s an icon and the crowd treats him as one. He snaps his whip and the crowd marks out like crazy. Indy really takes his time strolling down the ramp. Soaking in the fans adoration.
Crowd: YES! YES! YES!
Indy finally enters the ring and the assault on him is instantaneous. He’s heaved over the top rope in a blink of the eye. Eliminated from the rumble. Gone. See ya later. Bye.
C’mon, he’s a friggin’ archaeologist in a ring full of trained killers. Did you really think he was going to stand a chance?
Crowd: NO! NO! NO!
Indiana Jones eliminated.
Jason Bourne enters at 28. Now this guy is a trained killer. Bourne gets in the ring and shows his stuff. Right arm drag to Dutch. Left arm drag to Dillion. Right arm drag to Lee. Leaving only Rambo on his feet. Rambo and Bourne both size each other up for a second then Rambo goes straight at him. The two start beating on each other until Bourne gets Rambo in a devastating rear naked choke hold. Bourne has it locked in until the rest of the fray start stomping him out.
Crowd: 3. 2. 1…
The growl of a hemi engine echos through the arena. A 1968 Ford Mustang GT rolls into the venue.
JR: Frank Bullitt! It’s Frank Bullitt! The O.G. The granddaddy of them all! Frank Bullitt! The original Action Hero!
Lawler: I can’t believe it! It’s Bullitt! The Hall of Famer!
Bullitt emerges from his classic Mustang – pure Americana – and gives a slight wave to the fans. Bullitt enters through the second rope. To even ask the question, ‘who is the coolest man in the ring right now’ would be an insult, not to Bullitt, but to your own intelligence. Of course, he’s immediately thrown up and over the top rope, because – again – all the men in the ring are TRAINED KILLERS(!) and he’s a guy who drives a car pretty good.
Frank Bullitt eliminated.
JR: Only one man left to enter the Rumble? Who will it be? Who will #30 be…
The arena goes black. The crowd is silent. Then the Hans Zimmer score bangs.
JR: IT’S BATMAN! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! IT’S BATMAN!
Lawler: Wait, he can’t be in this!
JR: He’s not an alien. He’s not a cyborg. He has no superpowers. As far as I know he’s a regular human being. And he’s in the Rumble! The Caped Crusader. Is. In. The. Rumble!
(It’s Christian Bale Batman, btw)
Batman dashes to the ring and runs rampage. Clotheslining Bourne over the top rope. Spearing Lee. Spearing Rambo. Dillion and Dutch finally attack Batman, slowing his momentum.
Jason Bourne eliminated.
Dillion and Dutch turn their sights to Rambo, who has been dominate this whole rumble, they get him to his feet and right as they are about to eliminate him….Dillion turns on Dutch. Clotheslining his own friend over the top rope. An infuriated Dutch crys, “DILLION, YOU SONUVABITCH!”
JR: That sonvabitch just turned on his friend! I can’t believe it!
Lawler: It’s friend vs friend! Foe vs foe! Everyman for himself! Anything can happen at the rumble!
Dillion winks at Rambo. Conveying some sort of secret alliance they must have had the whole time, but Dillion is about to get a taste of his own medicine as Rambo takes the opening and puts Dillion over the top rope. Lee rushes Rambo, but Rambo ducks out of the way, allowing Lee’s momentum to take him over the top rope.
Dillion and Lee eliminated.
JR: It’s down to two! Rambo and Batman! Who will be the last man standing?
Lawler: This can go either way!
Rambo and Batman trade shots. Left, Right. Left, Right. Batman throws Rambo into the corner and starts whaling on him. Batman winds up to deliver the final blow. A clothesline over the turnbuckle. As Batman charges him, Rambo lowers his shoulder and flips Batman over the top rope. Rambo turns his back on Batman, thinking he has won, but Batman’s able to save himself from elimination by holding onto the top rope. He flips himself back into the ring. Grabs Rambo around the waist and tosses him out of the ring.
JR: That’s it! That’s it! Batman has won the Rumble! Batman has won the Royal Rumble!
ACTION HERO ROYAL RUMBLE CHAMP; BATMAN